I see now how open and vulnerable I was to the conditioning field of the people around me and the way that I was raised. My own incompetence (though I blamed it on others) made me into something I was not. In my over-eagerness to please the people I loved, to prove myself and to be loved, trying to be what I was not led me to living a negatively conditioned “Not-Self” life. My expectations of myself and the expectations of others were pressures I forced myself to meet and if I couldn’t… well, I sure didn’t handle it gracefully, to say the very least.
As a Not-Self human I rarely made decisions from a place of calm or clarity - my decisions were generally impulsive, when I was either very up or very down emotionally. I ended up regretting so many of them very, very deeply - some of these decisions haunted me for years. I am designed to make mistakes and learn from them, but boy, some of my learning experiences were doozies and I would not wish them on anyone.
Despite the innate resilience that is hard-wired into my design, I got to the point where I nearly killed myself. With similar chart aspects to the recently self-deceased Robin Williams, (“Individual circuitry”, “Split Definition” and “Emotionally Defined”), I had huge waves of powerful emotions, never felt whole when I was alone and often experienced the melancholy and sometimes depression that pulses through my being.
The ache of an individual without the ability to express it’s uniqueness can drain the life out of you when not understood, and can lead to intense feelings of loneliness that may have tragic endings for a Not-Self being. When that mutating pulse is understood and honored, it could instead lead to things like deep inner truth, innovative thinking and insight, intense creativity, radical change, higher knowing, and authentic direction. When you discover the truth about yourself, you are given the keys to unlocking your true potential and living the fullness of a life you were truly born for.
For 35 years I worked hard at making my life a success, wanting to accept and love myself, but looking in the mirror with unconditional love was just not possible. Rejection of self is a difficult place from which to learn how to behave. The pain from the countless mistakes I've made over the years through my trial and error learning process made it truly challenging for me to forgive, accept and love myself without guilt or trying to change anything.
It took heart-wrenching events of deep personal loss for me to really see the patterning of my experiences and to try to break it. Without Human Design to help me understand the program I was living and the reasons for my bitter predicament, who knows how much longer I would have chosen to live here. With Human Design I know I can peel back the layers of Not-Self to begin living as who I truly am and find the sweetness of success that I desire and was born for.
After hitting rock-bottom, I escaped the low-land city life that was not correct for me and moved to the mountains, focusing on being in nature, meditation and studying to get back to myself. Human Design was the major tool that allowed me to finally understand my life and brought the light of hope back into it, allowing me to function again.
With Human Design, I immediately knew I had had finally found the keys to mastering my life and what made other people tick. Now that I've been experimenting with the system for a few years, and after being invited several times to write about it, I know I can finally speak up and share my individual knowing to make a contribution.
Honoring the deep call from within to understand the way the world works in terms of the illusion we are living, I have decided to commit my life fully to learning and sharing this work and my process with others when recognized and invited.
The vast majority of you who might be reading this will not need the kind of intense study in Design that I did to see results. All it takes is finding out your Type, Strategy and Authority and beginning your own experiment by testing it to see how it works. Human Design is not a belief system. It is a way of understanding the mechanics of the forces around us that shape who we all are.
As a Projector, I am designed to love and master systems. During my first year of living my experiment and studying design, I experienced major "shattering" of many beliefs about myself, the world and others that I had stubbornly clung onto as truth. It was really hard at times; I felt very confused and there was A LOT of crying!
As a solar plexus defined being, with emotional cognition, I'm a highly emotional person – something I was always ashamed of. Starting as early as a young teenager I was prescribed powerful medications (which I could never consistently take) that just were not right for my sensitive system. Several important people in my life constantly pushed medication on me and sometimes I gave in just to please them. I didn’t trust my emotions and the people closest to me didn’t trust me because of them. They just couldn’t.
As the messenger of Human Design, Ra Uru Hu would say at times after delivering a particular bit of information “It is what it is” or "What to do?” Whether you are emotionally defined and feeling your own powerful waves of emotion or not emotionally defined and amplifying the emotions of those around you, there's nothing you can do but learn about your design, so that you can understand the mechanics to ride the waves of emotions, “Live Your Design” and through it all, "Love Yourself.” Human Design has shown me how to do that and I know it can do that for you too if you are ready for this knowledge.
No matter what my re-birthed form looks and behaves like, and on whatever mountain she will end up (I am designed to function optimally in the mountains), I finally get what “passenger consciousness” means experientially and I am enjoying the movie of what it is to be human in my own form.
Now I want to ask you a few questions.