Discovering Human Design - A Projector's Experience - By Andrea Abay-Abay

This article was originally posted on my HumanDesignProjectors.com blog in summer of 2014. It was republished on JovianArchive.com before they put an ad out for a social media content creator, and one of my instructors (A Cross of the Sphinx) aked me if I'd like to apply. That changed my life radically, leading me on the path to be the Analyst and Teacher I am today. For those of you who are searching for answers, I hope this remembrance of what it was like for me to begin my Human Design experience inspires some Hope in you to dig into your own experiment. With Love, Andrea <3

August 2014:

I was invited into Human Design a few years ago by someone who guessed I was a Generator from what he knew of me. He ran my chart, which showed I was one of a new Type of human that started appearing here in 1781 - a Projector. He then said emphatically "You NEED to know this stuff!”. I ordered the Definitive Book of Human Design, got a reading, and my deconditioning journey began.

Since discovering Human Design, I have listened to and watched thousands of hours material, mainly from the Jovian Archive Media Library in the free as well as paid areas of the site, but also learning through many personal readings, coaching sessions and taking classes from certified analysts like Genoa BlivenKumud KabirDarshana MatthewsBecky MarkleyLasita Shalev and Carol Zimmerman.

I just re-took the foundation classes with Bethi Black at an in-person Human Design Intensive in Mount Shasta. This training blew me away in terms of my understanding of how I really am designed to function. Though I loved the convenience of the online foundation classes I’d taken over a year, now that I was more comfortable with the terminology, condensing that knowledge into a shorter time span and adding the in-aura interaction into my process allowed for a breakthrough in my understanding that I needed and am incredibly grateful for.

Some Human Design material I have reviewed several times over to absorb deeper meaning. Human Design uses the English language creatively to interpret the energy present in a graphical representation synthesizing major exoteric and esoteric sciences in order to understand the forces that make us who we are. Despite my years of study, after this week’s Intensive I feel like I just woke up to my design and am hearing so many things as if for the very first time. I'm in awe as I observe my body’s movements and have a visceral feeling of the practical applications that the Human Design System has in my life.

I know I can remember now to follow my Projector strategy of waiting to be recognized and invited into the big decisions in life – those critical, life altering decisions of where to live, who to love, what to do for work. I know I can wait now for clarity over time through the emotional wave of my defined solar plexus before actually moving forward with those big decisions.  

In practice, this is a far cry from the old me who would constantly strategize about my future or jump the gun on decisions. Not only would my mind scheme and manipulate, it would initiate big changes spontaneously because of the intense feelings I was experiencing in my powerful, mutating Solar Plexus Center, the source of my own inner authority, the one place in my design where I am designed to make decisions - the one place that I had been deeply conditioned NOT to trust.

Now I know how to wait. My waiting is interesting, it is active. I am never bored as I watch my movie. I am actively waiting. Waiting for clarity. Waiting for fulfillment. Waiting for the perfect timing of movement.

This looks like a more introspective me in conversations, with far more patience when it comes to big decisions. I know to wait - not to try to force anything or figure things out - though putting it into practice is much easier said than done, and I consistently catch my mind as I fall into old patterns of behaving. I know to hold back from jumping in to answer other's questions without being asked. I know to restrain from doing things without being asked. And I know that I don’t have to do everything that people ask me in order to prove myself. I know these things, but breaking the habits of my “Not-Self” way of being takes time, and I’m not there yet when it comes to the everyday patterns of my life.

However...The awareness and release from this constant pressure of conditioned behavior is a relief beyond words. That pressure that I have felt all my life to prove that I am capable, that I am worthy, that I am loveable, that I am good enough - that pressure was slowly but surely killing me.

As a child I was told constantly that I could do anything I put my mind to. Such a well-meaning and positive sounding phrase! Yet the things that I expressed that I wanted to do most were dismissed as unrealistic fantasy by that same advisor who told me what I should do instead.

Growing up as the eldest, I was used to fulfilling high expectations and being bragged about by my family, step-family and in-laws, to the point that I found much of my value in achievements and in how other people saw me. My self-worth was deeply dependent on what I thought others thought of me.

I suspected at times that the constant pressure to prove myself was detrimental... yet I didn't know how to turn it off or how else I was supposed to be!

When I turned 30, seven years ago, I consciously became aware of the frenzied pattern of over achievement that I had grown accustomed to as a problem. I knew that I had this energy within me, pushing me to be ambitious, to constantly achieve in order to prove myself, to work hard to become smarter, faster, better, stronger, more beautiful, more sexy, to take immediate action. This energy, that is not who I really was, pushed me to set my mind to do something and make it happen, to force success. 

Sometimes it worked. I had a long list of accomplishments to justify my time, my worth, my value, my importance. They became resume boosters in several careers that weren't right for me, as I struggled to be consistent; to be busy, to be productive, and most importantly, to be hard-working. To live up to society's’ expectations. I was completely ignorant of my lack of life force energy to work and overworked my body. I pushed myself at the detriment of my health to accomplish, to acquire more, to achieve the American Dream.

What I learned was that my happy feelings of accomplishment didn’t last for long; chasing my many dreams burned me out to the point of extreme overwhelm, constant exhaustion and deep, debilitating depression. Even though I got everything I thought I wanted, I was bitter inside.

Now, I see that those thirty plus years of the recurring feeling of not-worthiness was a by-product of my personality pushing my body to do things it didn’t want to really do, and my bio-form just couldn’t operate correctly because of my blindness to my own inner truth. I had collected so many new experiences and accomplished so many amazing things, yet I never felt successful even when I did seem to have it all.

I see now how open and vulnerable I was to the conditioning field of the people around me and the way that I was raised. My own incompetence (though I blamed it on others) made me into something I was not. In my over-eagerness to please the people I loved, to prove myself and to be loved, trying to be what I was not led me to living a negatively conditioned “Not-Self” life. My expectations of myself and the expectations of others were pressures I forced myself to meet and if I couldn’t… well, I sure didn’t handle it gracefully, to say the very least.

As a Not-Self human I rarely made decisions from a place of calm or clarity - my decisions were generally impulsive, when I was either very up or very down emotionally. I ended up regretting so many of them very, very deeply - some of these decisions haunted me for years. I am designed to make mistakes and learn from them, but boy, some of my learning experiences were doozies and I would not wish them on anyone. 

Despite the innate resilience that is hard-wired into my design, I got to the point where I nearly killed myself. With similar chart aspects to the recently self-deceased Robin Williams, (“Individual circuitry”, “Split Definition” and “Emotionally Defined”), I had huge waves of powerful emotions, never felt whole when I was alone and often experienced the melancholy and sometimes depression that pulses through my being.

The ache of an individual without the ability to express it’s uniqueness can drain the life out of you when not understood, and can lead to intense feelings of loneliness that may have tragic endings for a Not-Self being. When that mutating pulse is understood and honored, it could instead lead to things like deep inner truth, innovative thinking and insight, intense creativity, radical change, higher knowing, and authentic direction. When you discover the truth about yourself, you are given the keys to unlocking your true potential and living the fullness of a life you were truly born for.

For 35 years I worked hard at making my life a success, wanting to accept and love myself, but looking in the mirror with unconditional love was just not possible. Rejection of self is a difficult place from which to learn how to behave. The pain from the countless mistakes I've made over the years through my trial and error learning process made it truly challenging for me to forgive, accept and love myself without guilt or trying to change anything.

It took heart-wrenching events of deep personal loss for me to really see the patterning of my experiences and to try to break it. Without Human Design to help me understand the program I was living and the reasons for my bitter predicament, who knows how much longer I would have chosen to live here. With Human Design I know I can peel back the layers of Not-Self to begin living as who I truly am and find the sweetness of success that I desire and was born for.

After hitting rock-bottom, I escaped the low-land city life that was not correct for me and moved to the mountains, focusing on being in nature, meditation and studying to get back to myself. Human Design was the major tool that allowed me to finally understand my life and brought the light of hope back into it, allowing me to function again.

With Human Design, I immediately knew I had had finally found the keys to mastering my life and what made other people tick. Now that I've been experimenting with the system for a few years, and after being invited several times to write about it, I know I can finally speak up and share my individual knowing to make a contribution.

Honoring the deep call from within to understand the way the world works in terms of the illusion we are living, I have decided to commit my life fully to learning and sharing this work and my process with others when recognized and invited.

The vast majority of you who might be reading this will not need the kind of intense study in Design that I did to see results. All it takes is finding out your Type, Strategy and Authority and beginning your own experiment by testing it to see how it works. Human Design is not a belief system. It is a way of understanding the mechanics of the forces around us that shape who we all are.

As a Projector, I am designed to love and master systems. During my first year of living my experiment and studying design, I experienced major "shattering" of many beliefs about myself, the world and others that I had stubbornly clung onto as truth. It was really hard at times; I felt very confused and there was A LOT of crying!

As a solar plexus defined being, with emotional cognition, I'm a highly emotional person – something I was always ashamed of. Starting as early as a young teenager I was prescribed powerful medications (which I could never consistently take) that just were not right for my sensitive system. Several important people in my life constantly pushed medication on me and sometimes I gave in just to please them. I didn’t trust my emotions and the people closest to me didn’t trust me because of them. They just couldn’t.

As the messenger of Human Design, Ra Uru Hu would say at times after delivering a particular bit of information “It is what it is” or "What to do?” Whether you are emotionally defined and feeling your own powerful waves of emotion or not emotionally defined and amplifying the emotions of those around you, there's nothing you can do but learn about your design, so that you can understand the mechanics to ride the waves of emotions, “Live Your Design” and through it all, "Love Yourself.” Human Design has shown me how to do that and I know it can do that for you too if you are ready for this knowledge.

No matter what my re-birthed form looks and behaves like, and on whatever mountain she will end up (I am designed to function optimally in the mountains), I finally get what “passenger consciousness” means experientially and I am enjoying the movie of what it is to be human in my own form.

Now I want to ask you a few questions.

Would you like to know who you really are?

Would you like to see your true strengths and gifts?

Would you like to know what your Life Purpose really is?

Would you like to live life as the person you were born to be?

If you answered positively to these questions I invite you to join me on a journey of deconditioning yourself of the negative beliefs and incorrect behaviors that in all probability make up the bulk of who you think you are.

Get your Human Design Chart to find out your Type, Strategy and Authority now so that you can begin your own Human Design experiment to truly wake up to what you really are. I highly recommend a personal reading with a professionally trained analyst; all have had at least 3.5 years of deconditioning and intense immersion in the authentic version of this knowledge as it was given to Ra Uru Hu, the original messenger of this work who brought it forth into the world.  

Whatever path you take, the sooner you understand your design’s Strategy and Authority and implement this understanding in your life to begin your experiment, the sooner you can stop living a Not-Self life and live out your authentic uniqueness.

Isn’t it time to live the life you were designed for and experience the satisfaction, success, peace or surprise that you crave?

Andrea-Abay-Abay-Human-Design-Analyst