Attempted Suicide: How NOT to Hold Onto An Unhealthy Relationship
Sun in Gate 46, Love of the Body "Pushing Upward - The Gate of the Determination of the Self"
I would like to brave the waters of my personal perspective and share an intimate experience. I was invited to use my past as a teaching tool with you in this blog post. Would you like to hear a lesson I learned over a decade after coming close to death by my own hand over 13 years ago?
Here's a little story about life's realizations (I originally drafted this a few weeks ago when the sun was in the Gate of Realizing "Oppression" 47) and how Human Design/BG5 has helped me succeed in learning to be free, to be me.
A Word About Co-Dependency
So many of us are labeled by society: codependent, bipolar, ADHD, alcoholic.... I am so happy to have tools to stop labeling now and heal the wounds of childhood that caused suffering in adulthood.
Becky Markley, fellow HD Analyst recently told me: "Look at openness of any kind. That openness is “dependent” on the conditioning of others for the wisdom to have a foundation, whether it’s a base, tone, color, line, gate on up to the macrocosmic levels. We (anyone) need many of those who have that energy reliably and consistently so we absorb the collective enormity of value. It doesn’t mean we agree with it. IT gives us a basis for evaluating something. I’m guessing that a lot of people labeled/diagnosed as “co-dependent” have open spleens."
I have an open Splenic Center, and after discovering the power of BodyTalk in my own life, I've begun referring clients to a Bodytalk practitioner to help address pain, genetic fears and phobias of my clients. The Splenic Center holds 1/3 of the fears in our bodies.
All Awareness Centers have fear gates; fear being the seed of awareness. Our Survival Instinct function (Splenic Center) carries body fears, our Conceptualization function (Ajna Center) carries mental fears/anxieties, and our Emotional Intelligence function (Solar Plexus Center) carries nervousness about experiences intimacy, needs, passions, desires.
Below is a story about me "Holding onto things that aren't good for me" that I hope in sharing, can help illustrate where I have been and what I have learned. I have never shared this publicly until recently.
My Story of Attempted Suicide
I remember feeling deep despair when becoming aware of my tendencies to experience and enable patterns of dysfunctional behavior in my relationships during my second marriage.
It was just before my birthday, winter in early 2004, when I found myself terrified, forcefully dragged away by several firefighters, kicking and screaming, to be transported in an ambulance to the hospital, then locked up in a mental institution.
I discovered myself in this horrifying situation, later rationalized as attempted suicide to "force" my ex-husband to stop bringing hard drugs into our lives on an almost daily basis. He didn't listen to my verbal requests, and I had no willpower (undefined ego, Gate 21.3 Powerlessness) to stop participating when he was inviting me to do it with him. Witness the blame of the Not-Self at work.
I remember feeling disconnected and isolated that afternoon before the event. I can still see myself sitting naked in the bathtub looking down sadly at my poor legs, much thinner than I prefer at a size 0 jeans (I'm 5'4").
I was experiencing panic attacks daily, extreme agoraphobia, unable to go outside alone and weeping with utter desolation in the mornings after my nightly dreams of doing the Ironman Triathlon in Hawaii at 18 or working with my first husband's family scuba diving. I was desperately missing my life with them, which I'd left spontaneously after beginning to experiment with Ecstasy and Mushrooms, and could not call or go back to them out of shame and guilt. I had no contact with my family or any other friends.
I remember being in so much pain that I sat down at the kitchen table and googled "how to kill yourself".
I opened a bottle of Cabernet, grabbed my ex's illegally obtained pain pills from the bathroom cabinet and took a handful with a good deal of the wine. I cried as I left a Goodbye note on the scrolling screensaver of my computer.
I remember feeling nothing at his panic when he came home to me lying on the floor.
I remember not being able or perhaps wanting to respond to his frantic attempts to wake me.
I remember the humiliation of being dragged away kicking and screaming in rage.
It was dinner time on a workday, in front of the whole neighborhood (I imagined) and I completely had no ability to realize that the multiple men restraining and carrying me away from the condo complex were attempting to save my life.
I remember the stark fear as shrill sirens blared and an IV was placed in my arm in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. I don't remember arriving at the hospital, or much really until many hours later. Must have been sedated!
Later at the institution, I remember the embarrassment of charcoal exploding out of me at both ends. Thankfully it was 3 am and no one was around to witness the sounds.
The next morning, I remember feeling confused, sitting in the cafeteria wide-eyed at the crazy-looking people talking to themselves or vacantly staring off into space. There was a boy there who said he was there because of daily Ecstasy.
I remember feeling hopeful later, doing my yoga in a stark white room with nothing but a single bed and an orderly peering into the windowed door to check in on me.
I remember feeling clever as I talked myself out of the hospital in less than 24 hours, convincing them there that I was just trying to get to sleep and accidentally overdosed.
I remember sobbing on the pay phone to my ex-husband, asking him to please never again bring home anymore crystal methamphetamines or anything like them.
13 years ago, during my life period when Saturn was transiting my Natal Moon, which Vedic Astrology calls "Sade Sati" it worked. But at what price?
I am confident now that I don't have to use guilt to be able to hold onto a relationship that doesn't serve me.
I can instead use my personal authority to break the bond with what doesn't work.
My prior inability to hold boundaries, to say No and mean it got me into a lot of trouble in my life. I have many more stories beyond this one.
Things only shifted dramatically in the past 5 years since living this Human Design experiment. By discovering who I really am and choosing accordingly, correctly, based on my genetic imprinting has helped me to hold strong boundaries.
Since working with Human Design/BG5 combined with Bodytalk I have felt a lot more energy and ability to help others discover their life purpose. I feel joyful to be able to embrace my past and share what I learned - of what NOT to do.
No blame, guilt, shame or fault. I am my own Authority.
I could go on about the lessons of my Human Design Strategy and Authority, as a 3/5 Wide-Split Emotional Projector/Advisor design. I'll save that for a video. 🙂
Thank You for reading my revealing blog post. As I approach my Uranus Opposition (midlife) influence now, I am grateful for my turbulent childhood of abuse and impermanence without blame or hatred and Celebrating being able to re-parent myself.
Being able to grow up is a trip! I feel gratitude and wonder at being able to be so transparent and real. It is freeing to not worry about what others think of you. I feel hopeful at being able to share my personal perspective.
A fellow spiritual entrepreneur, Davidian Lyon wrote of this post: "It's been said that you can only take (help) people as far as you've been and you have the blessing to have gone through a trial that will reach and speak to those who have witnessed and experienced similar tribulations and may be unable to see the path out of their situation. I'm happy you are now in a good way, empowering yourself and others. It's clearly been a hero's journey. Human Design gives us so much, not least among which, is patience and compassion for ourselves, as we can see where we are vulnerable and why we have behaved and experienced life as we have. A way to see ourselves shed our suffering."
Because of the powerful transformation I've experienced utilizing BodyTalk, and the feedback from clients who have experienced Farren's work, I am now recommending my clients work with him to help facilitate profound personal awareness. I receive no compensation for my direct referrals. I feel that using our services in tandem facilitates mind/body change more quickly, efficiently and easily than individually. This is my invitation to you, when you're ready for a quantum leap in your conscious evolution and embodiment of purpose.
From Farren: "When we have access to our innate personal authority, used to base personal decisions upon, we can transcend our genetic conditioning and support our own evolution.
The Bodymind has the ability to communicate what its relaxation, healing, and evolutionary priorities are.
BodyTalk is an integrated holistic system of ancient and modern philosophies, modalities and sciences that contribute orientation to the entire body-mind complex.
Through getting objective feedback through the body by way of consciousness observing those unique priorities and formulas the body designs, new possibilities can be manifested into our experience.
Integrating the session with our Human Design data provides what we are calling EvolvedCare, allowing us to further anchor and embody our design and actualize our unique potential."
Would you like a free 10 min BodyTalk consultation with Farren?
When I reflect on the fact that I am a part of healing multiple generations of genetic patterns of dysfunction, not only in myself and my line, yet also in the lives of those who come to me I feel grateful for discovering Human Design. These past few years have given me a deepening awareness of how to evolve profoundly in life's journey with meaning.
Thank You for being a part of this journey, and for sharing, learning and growing with me. I look forward to reading your comments and emails in response to mine.
Human Design Analyst, Teacher, and BG5 Career & Business Consultant
Guiding You Through Times of Change and Growth
To Uncover Your Inner Truth
Changing Your Fate through Experience, Discovery & Learning!